Is Life A Game?

Since forever, I declare myself a non-gamer. Playing games frustrates me. From Super Mario, ‘bounce’ on the old Nokia phone, to Stardew Valley, I couldn’t find enjoyment in any of it.

To reflect on that, maybe I just don’t like the fact that I am not being my best right away. I have to repeat the process multiple times, trying and just trying. Not to mention, I do not see a purpose in completing a game. (No offence to all who find joy in playing games)

Then, a few days ago, I came across a video talking about how nowadays people have a very low tolerance for how long we are willing to suck at something. This got me reflecting back on so many different levels and aspects of my life.

I realise that I have these irrational thoughts that I will not be able to get better anyway if I don’t get it at the first time, even for simple things like making flowers out of a pipe cleaner.

I saw many ideas of making flowers out of pipe cleaners, and when I came across a shop that sells them, what came to mind was: but what if I can’t make as good as the others?

That line of thinking kept clashing with my ambition to try many things, to excel in my artwork, purpose, and the value I can offer the world.

And back to playing the game, maybe.. maybe playing the game is not about achieving a certain score, or rank, or level. But I just refuse to enjoy it as is. To enjoy it for the sake of it – the process.

In-game, there is a level to beat and to apply that knowledge in life, which has brought so much pressure on me. After all my life, I refuse to like to be a gamer, but in reality, I treat life as a game. I keep a scoreboard in my life that I should aim for higher and higher, but forget to enjoy the process and to love life for itself.

When I decided to activate my blog again, one promise I made to myself was to make sure that what I write here is because I love writing. But with the fact that the world nowadays puts metrics in almost everything, I couldn’t help but ‘score’ my writing based on the views or visitors.

I couldn’t help but monitor the numbers. And then the urge to chase higher scores or numbers eventually led me to a desperate need for external validation and value. I neglected my sole reason for writing: I enjoy the writing process itself.

I label myself as a person who always knows what I want, and I did. I am so proud of myself, my progress and my growth as an individual. But with this realisation, I gotta reevaluate whether the things and goals I have are things I value personally, or things external parties put on me to chase after.

What is the real reason I’m doing something? In this world full of metrics and ranks, I have unconsciously fallen into the trap of doing it for others rather than for myself. I’m not saying that goals and measures aren’t a good thing; it’s just that there is a tendency for what’s being measured to be misaligned with what actually matters.

For writing a blog, my purpose is to let my mind wander and be free. But oftentimes, all I could think of was how people would perceive this writing of mine? And the more I do this, the more I keep doing it since most of our lives are now out on the internet and it is being ranked (through likes, shares, comments, etc).

In this world that is full of standardisation and trends, I just have to find more time with myself so that my intentions can be more honest about what I value the most, rather than the ideas planted by what I consume in the media.

Conclusion: I want to play my own game.